If you can't handle me
by abeautifulthing
Summary: In her sixth year at Hogwarts School For Witch Craft and Wizardry a lot changes for Lily Evans; her home life, school life and love life have all been pushed into overdrive and this red head is finding it hard to comprehend.
1. Acknowledgements

**My love, **  
**I hope this puts your mind to rest  
****and stops these sleepless nights.**


	2. If You Can't Handle Me

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  
I make mistakes,  
I am out of control and at times hard to handle.  
But if you can't handle me at my worst,  
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."  
**― Marilyn Monroe**


	3. Restless

**AN- hello, I hope you enjoyed the little acknowledgement and the quote at the beginning from Marilyn Monroe that I will try and fit into the story at some point although there's probably no pressure. The story is in fact written from the point of view of a character from the world of Harry Potter and will probably be revealed at the end because I know how much you love waiting (but yes I do know who the character is and I have it clearly defined how it will be revealed - with no wit or imagination but oh well)**

**But like most avid readers I am impatient and there will be plenty of Jily to come (soon) (probably not) **

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It never really occurred to Lily Evans that her life would become any more than the world she knew for 11 years of it. She looked around and saw what was there and believed that that was it. Lily truly believed that she would become her mother; finish secondary school, marry the first boy that asked her, settle down and produce the average 2.3 children and she was...resigned to that fact. Her 11 year old self believed that was the way the world worked. It wasn't fair or just and she wouldn't get anything bigger or do anything better than what her mother did. It seemed foolish to her now that she could have ever had had such a notion at such a young age, sometimes it even frightened her that her younger self ever gave up that easily. But living in the past is something people do if they want to go back and Lily had no desire to go back to a time before Hogwarts and therefore she hardly thought about it and shut it away. So it was curious that one summer evening it was all Lily could think about. What was it like before Hogwarts? Well, her and Petunia got on a better and Severus Snape and her were talking and... friends.

It did seem rather odd that Lily Evans would ever think herself ordinary since she was already showing extraordinary abilities before she could walk and her parents never refrained from telling her this, it was the subject of many dinner parties held at the Evans household. So it was no surprise to her parents that she received a letter from a school for wizards and witches, to Lily it felt like everything was falling into place like she wasn't going to have to be her mother. Now, Lily loved her mother very much and admired what she had done in life because her mother and done exactly what she wanted to.

The summer evening, I previously began to talk about, was the evening before she went back to Hogwarts for the sixth year of her education and somehow she was nervous. Usually before entering Hogwarts again she became nervous but never so nervous she was shaking and couldn't sleep. Her father tried to convince her it was just excitement the same as every year, she would complain of a stomach bug the night before and then be bouncing off the walls, trying to get everyone to move the following morning. All she could say to her father's suggestion was "If I was excited, dad, I would have a smile on my face." and true, there was no smile.

The red head was absolutely sure that if she found out the reason to her nervousness she would be able to get to sleep and be refreshed and ready in the morning. But that wasn't the case, you see she knew why she was nervous but she just refused to believe it to be true. You see all she could think about was what stupidly annoying things James Potter could do this year, that wouldn't _annoy _her, but make her fall for him.

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**AN- Well I hoped you enjoyed it and be sure to tell me your thoughts because I'd love to know what they are **


	4. Finally

The next morning was, to say the least, a complete and utter disaster. Lily had in fact packed her bag the night before and was prepared, as most years, to board the train at Kings Cross that very morning. But just packing her bag wasn't good enough for her Mother. The bag had to be checked and checked again to see if every single necessity was packed and ready for Lily to use. It didn't help that she was still half asleep. The early wakeup call from her mother at 6 o'clock left her with only 3 hours of sleep. And, if the constant bag checking from her mother didn't help, her _adoring_ sister refused to get out of bed, all attempts from her father to get her out of bed had failed.

Storming into her sister's bedroom she violently pulled of the covers from her sleeping sister and shouted directly in her ear.

"PETUNIA, STOP BEING HORRID AND GET OUT OF BED!" Taking a breath slightly and stepping back Lily continued her quest to persuade Petunia to leave the bed she adored this time in the morning. "Come on, I'm going to miss the train and I _will_ blame you if we miss this." The brunette was still curled up in the middle of the bed shaking slightly in her thin pyjamas.

Looming in the door was her father looking over the commotion and checking to make sure no one was trying to kill anyone "You're bloody nightmare Petunia." She kicked the girl, hard, and barged past her father in the doorway. "Why the hell does she even have to come?" Lily paused to ask her father, who clearly didn't hear and he went back into Petunia's room and once again tried to convince her to move from the state she was in.

When Lily reached the doorway of the house, to wait patiently for her mother to finish checking her bag, it appeared she had already been beaten to it. Not only was the bag in the hallway but so was her mother, smiling nervously and waiting for the rest of the Evans family to meet her at the doorway. The two of them leant against the separate walls of the narrow hallway, silently waiting for the rest. No words were exchanged during this time, except for a nod when Lily entered the hallway.

With her rage dying down Lily slowly lent her head back and closed her eyes trying to calm herself down and avoid the thought that she could possibly miss the train the this rate. The time she had leaning against the wall was cut short as the sound of her father telling everyone to get a move on and to get in the bloody car. His voice echoed against the walls of the hall and behind her father walked a sleep walking Petunia, she stared long at Lily long and hard, her eyes burning into her skull.

The car ride was surprisingly short and, frankly, incredibly dangerous as her father had to drive at a magnificent pace to make it to the station on time and make sure she got on the train. It was still a mad rush when they reached the station. Her father pulled the luggage out of the trunk and practically dragged Lily into the station. Petunia stayed in the car ignoring Lily the same as she did all summer and every summer since she got accepted into Hogwarts.

The goodbye was brief, just a quick kiss on the cheek and Lily was sent on her way and she stepped onto platform 9 3/4 where Lily was greeted with the most beautiful smell that she was so accustomed to, the smell that she longed for all summer and was met by familiar faces boarding the train that was five minutes from leaving.

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**AN- yo yo, I hope you enjoyed that rather short chapter and the chapters in the future will be longer**

**if you've got any thoughts hit me up**


	5. Rhubarb and Custard

**AN-This chapter is longest so far, although it's still not very long I hope you enjoy it.**

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Boarding the Hogwarts Express was always so much of a hassle. Firstly, the first years always felt some necessity to board the train extremely early and occupy all of the compartments. Secondly the seventh years walked around as though they owned the place and insulted or threatened anyone who tried to tell him otherwise. And thirdly? Moving on the train, while it was moving also was just difficult and irritating it was certain that Lily didn't like making anything more difficult than it already was.

Reaching into her back pocket Lily brought out a sweet flavoured with rhubarb and custard started to unwrap the clear plastic that kept the sweet safe. Ever since her first year her mother would give her rhubarb and custard sweets to remind her of home. The tradition started because she complained of a stomach ache on the morning of her first day off at hogwarts.

"I think I'm dying." Lily announced following her mother around the room and clenching her stomach "Like, really dying." she continued to the mother who was panicking about the packing (as she always did) and running around like a headless chicken.

"How so?" she sighed, picking up some more clothes and folding them into neat piles. The luggage was full but her mother was convinced there was more and began to pack another suitcase (this was now the forth suitcase she had moved onto - Lily was so shocked that she actually owned this many items).

"My stomach is going to explode" The red head said this with such conviction it stopped her mother in her tracks - not that she believed Lily was in fact going to die. "I swear." her eyes looked up at her mother almost begging her to stop the packing. "Maybe I just shouldn't go, you don't want me to die on the train there" she begged. Her mother laughed a short laugh and bent down in front of her so she was now looking into her eyes.

"We wouldn't want you to die on the train there now would we?" Her mother talked slow and serious like she was talking to someone who was five. Lily nodded acting along with the scene that was playing out. "Do you want to know something?" she looked down into her mother's eyes and nodded again "I think that you need to promise me something, yeah?" she questioned stroking Lily's arm affectionately. "Promise me that when you feel sick, or scared or anything you have one of these." She pulled out an opened packet of rhubarb and custard and handed one the of the sweets inside to her. The wrapper was untwisted and she put the containing sweet in her mouth - somehow she was felling better. From then on her mother gave her a new bag of rhubarb and custard sweets before she went on the train and then again when Lily asked for some more.

It's not that she was feeling sick or scared but she had the sweets in her pocket because it had swiftly become her favourite sweet above all of the strange and delicious ones that she discovered in her time in honeydukes. So, it had become natural to her to reach in her pocket and pull out one and keep it in her mouth until it had gone. And indeed it had. And she had no more sweets left in her back pocket to occupy her time before she found some empty compartment where she could sit and look out of the window waiting for the train to stop.

It was fortunate that when she finished her sweet she had just stumbled across a compartment. Not one that was empty, but one that contained Remus Lupin sitting alone in the corner with his head in a book as Lily often found him in the common room. Lightly she knocked on the door and gained the attention of the boy. His head appeared out of the book and he gestured for Lily to come inside. It was nice to see a face that she recognised and trusted - unlike all the new first year faces. Lily opened the door and stepped inside the compartment with slight hesitation. There was some sort of reason that the rest of Remus' little gang wasn't there; either because they had gone off to torment first years or they were indeed playing a prank on her right now and Remus had been reluctantly picked to be the bait. "There not...hiding, are they?" Lily pleaded, searching the room with her eyes from high to low to make sure they weren't hiding in any cracks.

"I don't think so," Remus laughed. "but they have been gone for a while" He wondered were in fact the boys had gone and began to think they too were hiding in the room under the invisibility cloak trying to listen to their conversation. "I'd be careful what you say, however." Remus scowled feeling around the chairs.

Opposite to him Lily sat letting herself relax back (however difficult that was on the tough train seats) and sighed slightly as she did so. "How was your summer?" Lily butted into the silence looking out of the window through the corner of her eye, so as not to make it obvious; she was still paying attention to Mr Lupin across from her.

"Ordinary, quiet and boring. And yours?"

"Long, and strangely exciting" She copied. Remus put his book down as to say 'tell me more'. Remembering what he said before however she watching the words she said. "I went to Italy with my family and had a very... good time." She thought it unwise to pause before saying the statement but had no other choice in case the boys were listening. Her summer had been better than good actually. During her holiday she had come across many lovely and kind people there (it was lucky a family friend had offered to take them in for the holiday) and was fortunate enough to find one person in particular. His name was Lucca and if Lily was attending ordinary school he would be in the year above of her. They became friends after the family they were staying with invited some other family to dinner. However, they didn't remain just friends and after a while it became something more than just a friendly acquaintance. Unfortunately her little smile after her last speech became obvious to Remus that it was more than good. Almost like he had seen that smile before.

"Good. " He said swiftly. It appeared that he had felt something or noticed something as he quickly spoke almost like he was annoyed "Lily - Lily close your eyes for a second."

"What? Why?"

"Because you were right."

"About what?"

"Please" he begged. Lily closed her eyes still confused by the whole situation. After a short while she heard a mumbled of voices and what sounded like punch on someone's arm before she heard. "Sorry" and she opened her eyes. Low and behold there sat James, Sirius and Peter huddled up in the corner. Remus had gone back to his book.

"So how good was this summer, Evans." Sirius sniggered.

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**AN- Sirius is my favourite **

**hit me up with your thoughts**


	6. Fist Clenching

"You know what, it was brilliant because you weren't in it, Black."

"And without me, the summer was probably torture." James piped up, grinning, feeling almost proud of the fact he hid for ten minutes without both Remus and Lily knowing they were there in the room. "Just admit it, you missed my smile." His grin widened giving Lily an example of the smile she 'missed'.

"Yeah, like I missed a headache." She assured him, his silence was enough to tell her she had won whatever fight they were having. It seems that nothing had changed since last year. It appeared that the two of them settled back into the old routine.

"Awh, c'mon, Evans you shouldn't lie to yourself. It's not good for your health, I can promise." James moved closer forward so his elbows where on his knees and his hands holding his head up, looking at her with direct eye contact; this was always how he killed his prey by staring someone down expecting them to crumble, which they so often did. But this rarely applied to Lily as she had become accustom to James Potter's many ways of getting Lily to back down, this time instead of Lily walking away (which was rare) she called back at him.

"Since when have you cared about my health, Potter." She moved closer to him looking at him directly in the eye, mimicking the position he was in. She was playing the game he wanted her to play , trying not to show any discomfort about having his eyes burning into her skull. She looked over at Remus, who sat in the corner of the room still, to see him clenching his left hand tight and in his right held his book which he also clenched tightly it looked as though he was about to dig is nails into the book. Scared and worried, Lily leant back and looking concerned at the boy who still had his head the book and refused to acknowledge the fight going on consciously but it appear some part of his mind had acknowledged it and refused to let it go unnoticed. The reason Lily was a little bit scared was not because she thought Remus could hurt a fly but the fact it appeared Remus had no knowledge of what his hands were subconsciously doing . Something told Lily that too wasn''t paying much attention to book, and based on the book title (and the first sentence that she read over Remus' shoulder before; in fact she had seen him reading that book before) it was incredibly dull and slow book. It seemed that he hadn't turned a page within the last five minutes and Remus was extraordinarily fast reader.

"Moony." Sirius whispered, causing him to unclench his fists and his head to shoot out of the book he was reading - obviously he had only just realised what he was doing.

"Sorry." He got up turning to Lily. "Sorry" he mumbled once again walking out of the room clutching the books tightly in his hands.

"Well, Evans you still didn't tell me how good this summer was." Sirius quickly changed subject averting Lily's attention from peculiar behaviour of Remus Lupin. "I bet Evans you went around Europe on a shagging marathon. 20 guys every 20 miles."

"Sounds like a bad porno."

"What"

"A bad- never mind." Suddenly realising that the wizarding world had no concept on pornography whatsoever- apart from naughty magazines that Sirius kept under his bed at all times; and he thought no one, apart from James, knew about it. "For your information I went to Italy, it was boring and uninteresting and for the whole holiday I sat whining about how I wasn't with James Potter because the truth is, I love you,"

"Really?"

"No, you're a prick."Lily replied, looking out of the window again, hoping they would leave so she could be left alone even if just for a little while.

"Ouch, Evans." James lifted his hand to his heart, whereby Sirius tended to James jokingly and patted his head and rubbed his back, checked his temperature and even imitating James' pathetic puppy dog face at Lily - and Lily was trying to suppress her laughter. It was fortunate that within the next couple of seconds Lily heard a recognisable voice at the door .

"I didn't know you were into that kind of thing, Sirius - but you know, whatever floats your boat." It was Mary; thank God. It was like she was Lily's fairy godmother who had come down from heaven with sarcasm and wit as her weapon and she would save Lily from James Potter and Sirius Black. The brunette walked over and sat next to Lily who jumped on her.

"We were just talking about Lily's especially good summer that she has yet to us the details of." Sirius it seemed had become the expert of changing subjects of the summer; but only if the topic that it changed to was one involving Lily Evans and her surprisingly _good_ summer. Mary let go of Lily and raised eyebrow; now she wanted to know about Lily's summer. "Apart from the fact she went to Italy."

"It wasn't _that good, _and I don't understand why you were so interested." She muttered looking down at her hands fiddling with them.

"Because after you said 'My summer was... good'" (Sirius took this opportunity to produce a high pitched voice which Lily supposed was meant to be an imitation of her) "You did this little smile." From the corners of his mouth he imitated the exact smile she did to Remus and few minutes earlier. James smirked and turned away and Peter giggled like a schoolgirl in the corner as he had been doing for most of the time they were in here.

"Sirius, why in Merlin's name are interested Lily's sexual exploits that clearly never happened, I think you fancy her more than James does." Mary laughed. The boy began making stupid fake throwing up sounds and actions with Lily scowling at him. He was stopped by James Potter hitting his arm to get him to shut up. It appeared that everyone had ignored the last part of Mary's statement out of kindness to James Potter, but it still echoed in Lily's mind. It was confirmed James Potter did fancy her.

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**AN- originally I wanted Mary to come in saying "sup sluts" thanks to my loving sister (I decided against it don't tell my sister)**

**maybe one day she will come in and say that (I will do it)**


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